One of my best friends and I talk almost daily via audio messages instead of texting. She lives 10 hours away, so we don't get a lot of face-to-face interaction. We do text, but shortly after I moved away last year, we started recording little messages to each other. It felt more personable and intimate. Yet, it didn't feel as invasive as a daily phone call. We record our thoughts whenever convenient and send them to the other person without worrying about interrupting them. Then, when it's convenient and private (we have learned that we will share all sorts of crazy things, so it is best to listen when alone, so trust is not broken), we listen to the recording we received from the other person. And now we sometimes send audios up to 15+ minutes long or a bunch of shorter ones all in a row. It's the perfect hybrid between texting and calling and works with our crazy, busy lifestyles. 

Why am I bothering to write and share this? This communication method has helped me make some dynamic observations about my communication habits, patterns, and behaviors. My friend has also discovered some interesting insights into her way of communicating. I thought it might be fun to share and see if others have had similar or other interesting observations from communicating in different ways with friends and family.

At first, I found this method easier to tell a longer story than sending a text, but I quickly found it more entertaining as the speaker. I started enjoying connecting in this manner because I could fit it in during a car ride, putting make-up on in the morning, or relaxing and soaking in a bath. I no longer had "life" get in the way of checking in and sharing.

Another fascinating observation was how I showed up as a speaker by how I processed what I was sharing. When I'd have a conversation in real-time with another person, I began to notice that while I was sharing my thoughts, I was also unconsciously observing the body language of the person I was talking with. I was gathering intel into how they were relating to what I was saying. I might be interrupted by the other person in mid-thought based on how people conversate. Lastly, I might lose my train of thought altogether. In real-life (IRL) conversations, I would over-explain a topic if I perceived the other person was not necessarily understanding me. Or I would cut a thought off quickly if I felt the person was not agreeing with me, listening to me, or not engaging in one way or another. Sometimes, I'd adjust the intensity of my topic, sugarcoat things, lighten up the subject, or double down, depending on what my subconscious was picking up from the other person physically and energetically. I never realized how much I adjusted myself to the other person(s). And what that all tells me is that I am not my fully authentic self in many situations. I shift to show an “appropriate” side of myself rather than my whole self with no apologies. Because of this, it helps explain why I sometimes have trouble processing my thoughts in real time as I speak on a topic, especially if any emotion is involved. My subconscious attention is diverted as it is focusing on external signals from the other individual (for approval or lack of, I am assuming).

Sending my friend these audio messages for the last year has allowed me to compare real-life conversations vs recorded audio. I simply speak my thoughts and tell my story without external input when recording a message. I have no body language or facial expressions to interpret, no interruptions from the other person asking for clarification or adding their own thoughts. I am simply sharing in the complete sense of the word. This allows me to process my thoughts more fully. I can pause and think while recording. I will take the time to clarify something until I get it right in my head. I have had tremendous insights into a situation or topic that wouldn't have happened in the same manner if I wasn't fully able to sincerely express myself, my thoughts, fears, anxieties, tears, and joys without interruption and validation. For me, this has been freeing. I have discovered that when emotion is tied to a topic I am discussing, I need time to feel the emotion, sense into my body to understand what the emotion is sharing with me, and allow my brain to catch up to what is happening. Practicing talking and feeling together in these audios has helped me improve my ability to talk about an emotional topic and to have more integrated conversations with people in real-time, not just in these audios.

Conversely, as a listener, these audios force you to listen. Sometimes, I will receive a long audio. I might take a quick note on a topic my friend has shared that I want to respond to. I pause the recording, jot down a note (usually one or two words as a simple reminder), and then continue to listen. Sitting and listening without trying to reply to everything in real-time is so interesting. It frees you up to absorb so much more than just words. I can hear her tone, sense emotion, etc. I find I will laugh out loud, literally, or make a small comment or two to myself. But it feels more like listening to an audiobook or something. I get so engrossed in whatever my friend is sharing. It has also improved my ability to listen to others in real-life face-to-face conversations because I have been practicing essentially for a year. I do, of course, respond to her share, but it is in a much more authentic way because I got to hear all of it. I got to listen to the context of all she was sharing. Sometimes, she might ask a question, and by the end of the recording, she had already answered her own question or thought. It's such a gift to be witness to another one's mental and emotional processing while they are sharing. It's beautiful.

My friend has shared that these audios have helped her in a big way. In her real-life face-to-face conversations, she noticed she can sometimes undershare her opinions if it might create conflict. She might not always speak up when upset by something someone said or did. However, with these audios, she has been practicing sharing her experiences related to her life and our relationship without adjusting due to fear I might get upset or offended. Once she felt comfortable enough to let me know something I was discussing upset her. Instead of continuing to ignore it, she shared her experience with me. It was a big ledge she was walking out on because, admittedly, she wasn't entirely sure why it was triggering her as much as it was. However, in talking it out on the recorded audio, she was able to explore her emotions and had some helpful insights for both her and me. This was a super interesting experience for me as well. While I like to believe I take general feedback well and want feedback, especially from those I love, it is not always easy for me to hear. I felt sad that I caused her distress, even minimal. However, listening to the audio allowed me time to process my own reactions. I then re-listened to her feedback with an open mind and heart and heard her more fully. It took me some time to respond to her, as I had a lot to process from my own learning (about what she shared, how I was responding to the feedback, how I was processing my own reactions, etc). Yet it felt heartfelt, authentic, non-defensive, and compassionate when I did. It helped make our relationship that much stronger. (Please note – these are my interpretations and paraphrasing of my friend’s experience as she has shared with me, which she has approved prior to my publishing this blog.)

While I am not advocating this communication style for everyone or all the time, this might be a fun practice to try with a close friend or loved one occasionally. Do you want to improve your listening skills? Do you want to work on processing your thoughts AND emotions in real-time to overcome getting flustered in the moment? Do you want to work on emotional self-regulation in conversations? Sending recorded audios back and forth might be something worth giving a try. I have an iPhone that has the function built into its iMessage. For non-iPhone users, I know many apps have this functionality, including but not limited to WhatsApp, Instagram Messenger, FB Messenger, and other communication apps.

Let me know your thoughts on this topic in the comments section. I would like to hear from you regarding things you may have tried to improve personal communication and interpersonal skills.