The Enneagram – Not Your Average Personality Model

I have had years (and I mean YEARS) of leadership development, development models, personality tests, and even astrology shoved down my throat throughout my life. I was forced to take some of these assessments to better understand my alignment/compatibility with the company/group I was working in. Other assessments I openly pursued in hopes of better "understanding" myself. And what did all of them tell me about myself – nothing I didn't already know, consciously and unconsciously. With the DISC assessment*, I am a very low D, very high I, and middle S & C (yet each time I take it, the results are different). With Myers Briggs**, I have tested as ESFJ-T. With astrology, I am a very classic Gemini with my moon sign in Pisces. But what the heck does that all mean other than who I am. What do I do with all of that? How do I use all these "facts" about myself to grow to live as the best version of myself? How do I use this information to improve my relationships with others?

I have had many years in therapy. I addressed an episode of depression in college that had me medicated for about 3 years. I spent years working through past abusive relationships. I have a diagnosis of generalized anxiety. I deal with an excessive need for approval (especially from my dad), a fear of abandonment, insomnia, minor control issues, people-pleasing, burnout, and most recently, grief therapy and stress management. I'm do not like to admit these things about myself to others and try to hide or ignore them. I have tried medication, meditation, journaling, dancing, self-help books, talk therapy, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, EMDR, and all these personality tests. Some things helped. Some things helped for a time. Some helped in theory but not reality.

Why? I realized I am good at how I present myself. For example, I am good at "winning" therapy. I am good at molding myself to the situation to extract the approval I desire. I am good at showing you the parts of me you need to see at the time so I can be accepted and thrive in the situation. I am very adaptable. Yes, it's still me. And no, it's not all of me.

I had a boss once exclaim, somewhat impressed, "You can't fit Tamra in a (label) box." That seriously stuck with me. He meant it as a compliment, which I took it as such. But something gnawed at me, lingered under the surface, not understanding why I could be so different in different situations. My ex-husband used to talk about my "manager" or work voice when I was on the phone with an employee vs. my non-work persona. He did not enjoy it when I used that "voice" on him during disagreements or altercations. Everyone does this, right? Don't they? I was shocked when I realized not everyone does this. I thought I was a pretty open book – "What you see is what you get." However, I discovered that I only let people see certain aspects of me, not the whole me. So, what you see is what you get in this situation, in this specific relationship or context. Heck, I even fool myself. If you ask me who I am, I would ask you back what the context of the situation was. Who am I professionally? Who am I as a daughter, sister, lover, wife, auntie, employee, cat mom, coach, friend, etc.?

In 2019, when I decided to make the HUGE career move to leave corporate and start my own coaching practice, I enrolled in the yearlong Professional Coaching Certification program through New Ventures West. During our first 4-day session, I was introduced to yet another "personality" assessment ... the Enneagram Model. I didn't realize it then, but my life would be forever altered. Since this was the first I heard of it, and due to the complexity of its nature, I had no idea what I was being exposed to. The Enneagram is like no other assessment I've explored. I realized this was something special. I learned more about myself in the last 3.5 years working with the Enneagram than all the years of all those other assessments, rankings, trainings, and therapy. It helped explain patterns I kept repeating for both the good and the not-so-good, and it also helped me build more compassion for myself. The Enneagram doesn't label you into a category, whereas the other assessments seem to do. The Enneagram instead gives you a way out of the label you essentially set for yourself when you are on autopilot (not present in the moment), which we are on the majority of the time (even the best of us ... that's human nature).

So, what the heck is the Enneagram? It's not really a personality model nor an assessment but rather a development tool or map. It's an archetypal model of 9 major types, with 3 subtypes within each type, resulting in 27 different "ways of being." However, we all have all 9 types within us at varying access levels. We each have one type and subtype that is most dominant and won't change, except regarding our level of development health. By using the model, the goal is to be more present to our daily experiences in life. The model helps us grow and develop our abilities to balance our overused/dominant patterns, become aware of our blindspots and triggers, and get in touch with all our parts (gifts, fears, worries, strengths, etc.). This allows us to step outside of our type and take more active control of how we move through our lives. In my mind, the entire model is about developing and practicing balance – balancing out the overuse of our type's patterns with other ways of being, the balance between our three intelligence centers (thinking, feeling, action or head, heart, body), balancing our instincts, and so on. No one type is better or worse than another. No one type is more compatible with another. Each type brings significant gifts to the world, which is a source of celebration. And each type has things that can get in the way.

Russ Hudson, one of the leading Enneagram thought leaders, teachers, and authors, shared his thoughts on what the Enneagram model is on the Enneagram 2.0 Podcast with Bea Chestnut and Uranio Paes (Conversations with Russ Hudson Part 1 of 2 – 9/9/2023), "The Enneagram is not horizontal. It's a vertical development model. Once typed, it helps us to narrow down what might be most helpful in starting with. The Enneagram is a guide to how to be most present in actual living life. The Enneagram does not tell us who we are; it tells us what we've taken ourselves to be. It's a self-development system, not just knowing personality. It combines psychology and spirituality. The development changes as we go. The lines of development are not a straight line."

The growth I have observed in me once I discovered and started working with my type through the Enneagram has given me more self-compassion than I have ever had before. At first, I hated my type (the ick factor – it's real, and it is telling) when I figured out which type I resonated most with. It's hard to see yourself honestly, as our ego fights to protect ourselves. It took me finding support/coaching, specifically through Enneagram Coaching and groups, to see my type play out in my real life compared to what I read on paper. I began to see how my own fixations and patterns played out uniquely to me. Yet once I did, I couldn't unsee it; it has made a remarkable impact on my life. I've started to recognize and soften, if not break, at times, patterns of behaviors and beliefs that have honestly held me back. I am learning to love the parts of me I used to despise. I am learning to admit that I have gifts and celebrate them with grateful pride. This is why I have become an Enneagram Coach! I want to share the transformational impact it can have, as it did for me. I feel like I am paying it forward whenever I share with anyone.

The model is simple yet complex and can provide deep, endless layers, like an onion, to peel away if you lean into it. Learning the Enneagram can be a lifelong pursuit if one wants it to be. There are so many fantastic thought leaders in the Enneagram world to learn from. It's also has become mainstream, which can have benefits and significant cons…as misunderstanding develops. The model is approachable and accessible, yet it should be worked through carefully and in a community due to its complex nature. Yes, you can read books, listen to podcasts, and read highlights on social media. But you know how I learn the most? Listen to others talk about their experiences on specific topics from their perspective, whatever type they identify as, through panel discussions. I hear experiences and ways of behaving that I relate to and experiences or ways of thinking that are very different from how I would think. Listening to panels of the same type or different types helps me have a non-judgmental frame of reference to use on a specific topic, allowing me a safe place to compare what I find relatable or not. It has been incredibly eye-opening. Working with others on their own Enneagram type and asking for friends/family to help share their experiences of me has helped me step out of myself to actually start seeing myself. Our behaviors are simply patterns driven by unconscious narratives or belief systems developed as we grew up as a way to protect ourselves. The Enneagram shows us what those narratives may be. Then, we can see why we behave in specific ways and the patterns they form over time and, if we choose, to make shifts.

As an Enneagram coach, I do share the theory. Yet, my objective is to help my clients take the theory out of the books and the model and see how it shows up in their real-life uniquely for them. We are not theories. We are complex human beings with complex ways of living and moving through life. We can really benefit from doing development work in community and with support. The Enneagram model is the map. The Enneagram coach, like me, can help be the map key (support and interpretation).

Because of the Enneagram and Integral theory's impact on my life, I am pursuing sharing this with others in my coaching practice. If you want to learn more about whether this might be something to help support you on your path to your best self, hit me up for a discovery call (30 minutes, no obligation). I could talk about this all day long. I love it so much. So, please, explore it. You never know where this could take you.

*Disc Assessment Resource - Tony Robbin's Explanation of the DISC assessment

**Myers-Briggs Resource - https://www.16personalities.com/profile