Holiday Sparkle and the Grief Blanket
I can’t believe that it is November already and Thanksgiving is just a week and a half away. I just ordered my holiday cards so I can get them out timely, and have actually started some holiday shopping for my nieces (I know….cray cray). It’s safe to say that the holiday season is upon us.
And while I love the holidays – the lights, the decorations, the festive gift-giving, and the yummy food of the season (I am obsessed with cooking this time of year) – like so many others out there, the season comes with a shadow of grief. A heavy sadness that creeps up out of nowhere and makes everything sparkle less. In one month, it will be the 6th anniversary of the sudden and unexpected passing of someone I loved and adored deeply. My Manny’s passing was such a shock to my system and my sense of mortality. On that day, my world was forever shifted. Now, six years later, like clockwork, I start to notice a heaviness sneak into my peripherals and then cover me ever so slightly like a blanket. Over the years, the blanket sometimes is as heavy as a double quilted thick comforter with a thick layer of wool. Other years it’s a soft light fleece throw that barely cuts out the chill. However, no matter how faint it may be, it’s still noticeably there. What’s so interesting to me is how I am surprised still each year by the whole thing. I don’t even consciously recognize it happening until one day I notice I have been extra sensitive to sad news or cloudy weather; I find my patience has thinned and I try to “control” things a little more in my life. Bam…. the light bulb goes off as I connect the dots on the calendar and finally notice the grief blanket in its spot.
For so many, this time of the year can be incredibly triggering and difficult to manage through. The holidays offer a wonderful time for reflection, gratitude, and joy, which can feel in sharp contrast to the sharp edge of grief, packing an extra special punch in the heart. This is a time of year our culture encourages family and friends to spend time together, sharing in the rituals and experiences of the season. When someone you cared about is no longer there to share in the traditions, it highlights the void they left behind.
I share this with you today because so many of us are affected by these feelings of sadness and loss, yet we tend not to want to bring others down by talking about it. Or if you are like me, you tell yourself no one wants to hear about your loss anymore because it has been years. Yet I want to remind everyone, including my own mending heart, that grief is a process that can be life-long. It is something you don’t get over, rather you work with it instead. There’s an image I came across recently that shows jars holding a black ball of grief. It perfectly describes about how most of us assume grief shrinks over time, yet the reality is that we grow our capacity around our ability to hold the grief. This is so accurate, in my opinion based on my personal experience. I am curious if others agree based on their experiences.
Our ability to process and live through our grief never fails to amaze me. And our ability to feel love and joy again, while still making room for our grief, is another talent of our humanity. Yes, you will feel love and joy again, I promise. Unfortunately, the passing of those dearest to us is inevitable. And I want to remind those grieving not to sugarcoat your experience for the benefit of others. We work in our grief, as we work through it. If we try to ignore it or “get over it", we deny our authentic experience as human beings. If we can acknowledge our grief, we will continue to grow around it and build the capacity to also feel the holiday sparkle.
For those of you hurting deeply this time of year, reach out to someone you can trust. It is important to express your experience. You will smile again. You will laugh and make more memories. And it is ok to not feel like being joyful or in the holiday spirit this year. It's okay to cancel the holidays for this year, especially if the loss is very recent, or chose to keep things simple and small. Take a very deep breath, drink some water, take another deep breath and just be however you need to be right now. Tomorrow, you may feel different. And if you don’t, take another deep breath and try again the next day.
If you don’t have anyone to talk to, reach out to me. I will happily sit in your grief with you for a bit. There is strength and healing in connection.
There are a lot of tips and suggestions out there on managing grief through the holidays. Google can help provide a list of amazing blogs and articles, to find what might feel supportive for you. Some tips I have found helpful for me:
Start a new tradition or ritual as you move forward without that person in the fold.
Light a candle to honor your loved one.
Create a toast or share memories about that person.
Set realistic expectations for yourself.
Let others help with tasks, such as cooking, cleaning, etc.
Have a few options for how you may want to spend the holiday (plan A/plan B). Then go with how you are feeling that day, rather than force yourself into something you weren’t ready for after all.
Allow yourself space to grieve. Don’t overschedule yourself.
Some final thoughts, if you have not yet experienced the grief blanket, as I am now calling it, I am so incredibly grateful. I do not wish the pain of loss on anyone. Yet, it is one of life’s inevitable rites of passage. I also believe that grief can be a gift, an opportunity, for each of us. Grief has an amazing way of recalibrating what we consider a priority in our life. It can help us look at all we thought was important and give us a new litmus test use. Grief can also bring people together, in support and comradery. If we can accept the blanket, not fight it when it lays itself upon us, we may feel more authentic in our day-to-day activities. If we can work on supporting others during their own time of grief, knowing we all face loss and process it in our unique ways, we might have more fulfilling relationships with each other. Time is precious, and it’s all about the experience at this moment, right now.
