What’s Up with New Year’s Intentions?
This is the time of year many of us feel the need (obligated?) to make a New Year’s Resolution, only to give up on the resolution weeks, days, even hours into the new year. Or we find ourselves, after a bunch of failed resolutions, setting the anti-New Year’s Resolution by declaring, “I will not be setting a dumb resolution. I am going to just be me and if you don’t like it, I don’t care.”
But why do we fail at keeping to our resolutions in the first place? And why do we feel the need to declare anything? Why do we care what others think or do?
For me, this year I am more drawn to setting an intention instead of a resolution. What is the difference, you might ask? For me, a resolution is a goal. In the end, you either succeed or you fail. Even if you try but don’t meet that result you defined, you technically didn’t do it. An intention, in my mind, is more of a guide for making better or different choices in certain areas of your life. It’s more like a development “goal” where there is no real defined outcome but rather a shift in being. It feels more forgiving and flexible, yet still requires effort and practice. It allows for failure and allows for us to start over after failure without losing face with ourselves.
But are resolutions out? Are they not good to do? NO! They serve a purpose and can be quite helpful. However, whether you set out to set a resolution or an intention, there are a few things you need to shift in your perspective first because if you don’t, you may continue to find yourself struggling to overcome the very first hint of an obstacle.
First – set your resolution or intention for yourself and only yourself. If it is not something you truly desire to do, from the deepest part of your soul, you likely won’t have the fortitude to be in it for the long run. And if you find you are really doing it for others, you likely will become resentful or frustrated when it gets hard. And true change usually is hard along the way.
Second – dig deeper. Many of the goals we set for ourselves tend to be more superficial. We don’t address the deeper cause of the thing we want to change and continue to repeat our unhealthy patterns. However, if we step back and ask ourselves why we want a specific change, what is underneath that desire, we might find something more meaningful to address which can have a more positive change in our lives. So, a change in diet or to lose those pesky 10lbs might not be the way to go this year, unless you have a major medical/health need that makes this choice non-negotiable. Instead, investigate what might be the deeper motivation below the want to improve our diet, as an example? Is it to feel better, have more energy, look better, or because our partner mentioned our softening midsection? Rather than focus on the diet, consider shifting to making overall healthier choices? For example, consider getting caught up on our regular medical checkups with our various medical professionals, which can then help support a diet change by finding out if there are underlying things that could affect our diet and bodies.
Third – baby steps. If we do desire, for ourselves, a change in our lives, break it down into smaller steps. Start small and build up momentum. As an example, so many people start the gym right away in the new year, overdo it, get super sore (or even injure themselves), and then quit because it is too hard. But if we are serious about getting more in shape, starting at the gym is not a bad idea. But how about hiring a trainer to help ease you into it? Or start off slow by going once or twice a week, low weights, and repetitions, and build up to 3-4x a week over the first month or two. Or start with adding one meal a week that is gluten-free or vegetarian, or whatever diet shift you are trying to make, and then gradually shifting by adding a second meal or snack the following week. Following me?
Fourth – you messed up already? So, what! Resolutions and intentions take time. You have spent years doing things a certain way; you can’t expect to build a new habit on day one or even in the first month. Like anything important and new, it takes time. It takes failure. It takes practice. It takes more practice than you likely expect. And repeat!
Fifth – true change takes support. We human beings are pack animals deep down. We need our tribe to thrive. Once you’ve really determined your goal or intention, now it’s time to get the support. Share your goal or intention with your partner, best friend, a trusted family member, a coach, a therapist, etc. Whoever your choice (and can be multiple people), make sure they are non-judgmental and are there for support only. That means when you are down or mess up, they don’t make you feel bad about it. But you also trust them enough to let them challenge you and push you a bit when you need it. If you don’t have someone in your life that fits that space for your specific change, consider hiring someone like a coach. A third party like a coach, personal trainer, therapist, or member of a support group, can really be supportive because there are fewer preconceived emotional ties with that individual. They don’t know about the other 20 years previously you’ve tried, unsuccessfully, to make a change. They are on the present journey with you for this one!
If you desire to make a resolution this year, remember resolution is another word for goal. I am sure many of us are aware of the term SMART goal by now, but it really is a supportive way to set your resolution.
S – Set a Specific goal, avoiding vague terms and phrases.
M – make it Measurable so you can calculate your progress along the way and determine an endpoint. We never reach goals that never end. What does success look like??
A – Make sure your goal is Attainable. If you have never run more than up your stairs, you may want to reconsider trying to run a marathon in the next 6 months. How about a 5k instead? When you achieve that, reset a new goal pushing yourself a little harder. Most goals fail because they are just too big, which leads me to the R.
R – your resolution needs to be Realistic. This may feel similar to the attainable step, but it is slightly different. While your goal may be attainable, if you are not willing to change your current lifestyle or habits (which may even mean giving up or sacrificing some things in your life) the goal is, likely, not realistic for you at this moment. There’s nothing wrong with that but be honest with yourself so you don’t set yourself up for failure before you even start.
T – your resolution needs to be Timebound. Example – I want to lose 10lbs by June 1 or I want to be gluten-free by March. When setting these timebound lines, refer to attainable and realistic again to make sure it can actually happen in that window of time.
If you desire to make an intention this year, remember, this can be less rigid but still not vague. Doesn’t need to follow the SMART format but does require a lot of focus and work, some humility and honesty with yourself. It still requires that your intention be realistic. Your intention should also be observable in some way, by you, not necessarily others, so you can determine if progress is happening or not. For example, you may have an intention to make your own needs a priority in your life this year, rather than doing so much for others and putting yourself last. Your intention could sound like, “You will give the time and attention necessary to take care of yourself and your needs.” This will be observable by you. Only you can determine if you are putting your needs first.
If you choose to set a New Year’s Resolution or Intention, or both, remember the best part of this is that there are no rules or requirements. If you are setting something this year, what is it? I’d love to hear what you are planning on shifting in 2022 in the comments.
Happy New Year! May 2022 bring you more self-compassion, joy, laughter, and love….to you and those who are dearest to you.
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