Be Aware of the “Should” Trap…

The "Should" Trap: How We Keep Ourselves Small

Could'a, Should'a, Would'a…..these are some of the worst words in the English language. "Should" is another s-word for sure. Our inner critic or ego uses "should" to browbeat us for things we did or didn't do, or when we second guess the decisions we made or want to make. It does this to keep us in our lane, small and meek. It's one of the worst things we can do to ourselves and yet, even the most developed of us repeats this behavior at times.

I was in a recent session with a client who was sharing how much progress she was feeling she was making in practicing making her health and needs a priority in her life. However, she kept stating that she "should" have done this earlier or she "should" have had stronger boundaries, or she "should" have…blah blah blah.

Here's the truth: hindsight is the only view that can see a situation as it actually was. It's foolproof because all the information is already there, and the consequences are already known. There's no risk with hindsight.

Reality in the moment is never fully clear. With every decision we make and action we take, there's always a risk because we can only see what's within our purview. We never have all the facts, no matter how hard we research and pause before deciding. We have personality biases that affect how we view a situation, which is why two people may have two very different views on the same exact situation. We have emotions that influence behaviors and decisions. We only see the world through a limited scope no matter how self-aware we work to become.

For many of us, especially those of us who are big people pleasers, the use of the word "should" when reviewing hindsight is a shaming mechanism that we use on ourselves. While many of us justify the "should" as a way of pushing us to be better, work harder, etc., it actually contributes to keeping us small and afraid of making mistakes.

It might even reinforce the inner dialogue that we are not good enough or we are incapable of making changes to our life trajectory. Living with "should" is permitting our inner bully to shame us for not deciding a certain way even if we didn't have the proper information at the time.

Why We Fall Into the "Should" Trap

Sometimes we're not in touch with our deep authentic selves and have lost connection with what we truly want from life, from this week, or from just this moment in time. But we can work on that and improve with time and practice.

Sometimes we shame ourselves because of the deep-rooted fear that we are not lovable, not valued, or not special enough if we dare put our own needs and desires on equal measure as others.

Sometimes we shame ourselves because we worry we don't know enough, doubt our own intelligence and intuition, or feel like we will be overwhelmed by our emotions if we acknowledge our fear or anxiety.

Sometimes we shame ourselves because we don't want to ever be seen as vulnerable or weak, cause disharmony or conflict, or end up doing the wrong thing in a situation.

These are all different causes of our perfected ego game of the attack of the "shoulds."

Finding Alignment by Breaking Free from "Should"

When we're caught in the cycle of "shoulds," we're fundamentally out of alignment with ourselves. This year's theme of alignment reminds us that true growth happens when our actions, thoughts, and core values are in harmony. The constant self-criticism of "should" statements creates discord between who we are and who we think we should be.

True alignment means accepting ourselves as we are in this moment—with all our past decisions, whether they seem "right" or "wrong" in hindsight. It means honoring the person you were when you made those decisions, knowing you did the best with what you had.

Next time you look back on your day, your month, and your life to reflect and evaluate how things went, take a moment to pause and check in with your own intentions. Are you reflecting to learn from your hindsight view without self-judgment? It's really hard not to have a little judgment toward yourself.

If your intention is to learn and not scold, then the next step is to watch for the "should" attack. The moment you notice where you "should" have done something differently than you did, stop!

Change "should" to curiosities to explore and possibilities to be aware of in the future, if you ever have the opportunity to revisit a similar situation. And until then, let them sit there as is. Own the decision that you made, or the action (or inaction) you took. Use it to learn from, to grow from.

We can't go back and change what has happened and the decisions we made at the time. Pointing out all the "should" things only places blame that you can't do anything about. Likely you made the best decision you could based on all the information you had at the time.

Next time you're faced with a similar situation, you'll make a different decision because you'll have more information, you'll be a different person due to additional life experiences, and you'll have more hindsight based on what happened before.

Easy for me to say. Harder for me (and you) to do. Yet know, we are all in this practice (of life) together.

What "should" statements have been holding you back lately? Let me know in the comments!