I Don’t Believe in the Stages of Grief!

I don’t believe in the stages of grief. There, I said it.

Grief, something we all will experience in our lifetimes at some point, and likely multiple points. Everyone dies, unfortunately. Some of us experience grief much earlier on than others but not a single human being on our planet will go untouched by it. Grief can look different from person to person. And with each individual loss a person experiences, grief can look and feel different. And honestly, in my opinion, as a culture, we are not very good at dealing with our own grief or supporting others through theirs.

Many of us have heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As a psychology major in my undergrad, we learned about each stage, what it could look like and how it transitions to the next stage, and so on. We learned that everyone goes through the stages at their own time. It is a very linear process to work that concludes with acceptance, the magical completion of the steps. You can put your pen down, close your book, and now move on with your life. Congratulations…..doesn’t that sounds easy and efficient? 

Well, as a person who lost someone I cared for very deeply, who I loved and continue to grieve to this very day, I am declaring complete bullshit on the concept of the stages of grief. Yes, I do agree when we are in grief, we experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, guilt, and many more feelings. Most of us also eventually experience acceptance, but it is ABSOLUTELY NOT the conclusion to some grief to-do list which the concept of the stages misleads us to believe. 

Here’s the thing…..grief feels awful. It cuts deep and in a way most of us don’t know how to process. It cuts into the deepest darkest caverns within our heart and soul. It zaps our spirit and joy. It is messy and inconvenient. We don’t like it! We hate it even. Therefore, if we could check the box of a linear track to “work” our way through grief and then move on with our lives, I think we’d all sign up for that for sure. But human beings are WAY more complicated than that. We can’t simply will our way through it. Grief is sneaky and has a way of forcing itself on you one way or another, whether you want it to or not. Grief can be greedy….it doesn’t want to be sidelined or resolved. And it is patient, it can wait for weeks, months, or even years to strike. 

I propose we meet it head-on rather than let it take control. So, how can we support ourselves in grief? 

First, you can’t prepare for it. Whether someone passes unexpectedly from some tragic accident or passes slowly after months or years of decline, no one is really prepared for the actual reaction we experience upon the person’s death. Well, actually, you can prepare. You can prepare by expecting to not be prepared. Expect to be completely overwhelmed by the unexpected – the emotions that will hit you like a wave, the help or lack of help from your social circle, and the random ebb and flow of the entire experience. 

The other way to support yourself through grief is to immediately stop thinking of it as a linear timeline or path to move through, but rather a new normal to live with full of fluidity in its intensity and timing. This one was the most shocking for me to realize. I fully expected the deep waves of emotion over the first couple of weeks after I lost my boyfriend of 20 months back in 2016, or sadness during that first year of memorable events (the first holiday without him, his first birthday after he passed, etc.). What I didn’t expect was the numbness and depression that lingered months into the second year after he passed. What I didn’t expect was how the experience of his sudden loss permanently altered how I viewed things, like my perspective on what was a priority and other things I use to think were important. What I didn’t expect was the anger that would suddenly pop up, out of nowhere, on a nice sunny afternoon in the middle of spring 3 years later and then the heart stabbing pain and tears that followed. What I didn’t expect, was years later, still finding moments, like a sudden rogue wave on a seemingly calm ocean, that would crash onto me full of deep longing and missing of him, to smell his smell or hold his hand again. And just as quickly as it hit me, it dissipates, leaving me a bit breathless. What I didn’t expect was my ability to talk about funny memories or share stories one day and the inability to even say his name on other days.

Lastly, the part of acceptance that you truly need to “accept” is that the acceptance part of grief doesn’t mean you still won’t miss them, grieve them, love them moving forward. Acceptance is not the end of some process but rather another way of learning to live without them. We are amazingly resilient creatures, with minds that can handle such complexity and depth. We learn or adapt over time to accept our loved one has passed and eventually learn how to function in a world without that person. But our love for that person does not end, therefore our grief will never truly end. It evolves. 

I’ve started hearing more and more recently the idea that grief is just another form of love (I’d like to take the credit for the concept, but I can’t). It's unexpressed love. Its unrequited love because the person is no longer there to receive your love. It’s the overflowing of love from your heart with only a memory of someone to share it with. So, if you look at grief from the perspective that it’s just a continuation in the expression of love you had for another human being, I wonder if we would still want to move through it and move on as quickly as possible. 

My mother’s partner of 18 years passed away this summer after years of fighting a rare blood cancer that eventually won the battle. My mother was so caught off guard by her experience of grief that hit her. It hit her hard, harder than losing anyone else in her life prior, and she really struggled with accepting her grief process. She said she knew he was going to die. She had been “preparing” for months, and in that final week, when she knew for sure, she thought she was ready. But then it felt like it all happened so fast. It wasn’t a surprise in any way, yet the emotional toll it took on her shook her to her very core. She thought something was very wrong with her. I gently reminded her it was ok, it was normal. Her love for her partner was very deep, therefore her grief will be just as deep if not more. After several weeks, she called and was convinced she must be severely depressed because she hasn’t been able to move on. She didn’t have time for this grief process and expected to feel better by now. She was so frustrated with herself. Why couldn’t she check a box and move on? She asked me what she was doing wrong. Absolutely nothing! She was doing it right! She was in the throes of a deep loving loss and all she needed to (or could) do was feel it. Live her life and continue to love him as best as she could. 

The sharp edges of grief soften over time, as we learn our new way of being in the world with this person no longer in it. It never goes away. It will bubble back up to the surface - maybe around the anniversary of their passing or their birthday, when you pass that one coffee shop you use to go to together, when you catch a whiff of the perfume/cologne they use to wear, when you see someone in a similar uniform they use to wear at their job, or when hear that one song that was your song. Or it may surprise you for absolutely no reason whatsoever. My best advice, out of my own experience, which I am still learning to listen to as well, is to ride the wave. Feel the feels, which allows you to work through it, rather than fight them. Let the tears fall. These are tears of love. 

So, let’s stop trying to make grief into a task or project to work through, check a box, and get back to “normal.” Let’s change the concept of the linear stages of grief to waves of love that follow no path, have no beginning or end, rather a continuation of the love you felt when they were alive. Let’s normalize grief. Let’s stop letting others’ grief make us feel uncomfortable. Let’s see it as a beautiful expression of love. Our world needs more love in it. 

 And if grief is an expression of love, I’m not sure I ever want it to end.

If you liked reading this article and would like to read more, please consider subscribing to my blog. The subscription sign up can be found under the main blog page (scroll down a little under the posts thumbnails). Thank you!